MONEY

i love finding money.

today, so far, i have found 2 pound coins in the inner lining of my superdry jacket and a £25 gift card.

but. and there is always a but...

the two pound coins have somehow defied the laws of physics, and at the same time twisted my noodle, by getting into the lining of my jacket in the first place. there are no holes in the pockets, no ventilation zips, no holes at the bottom... so how did they get in there?! the main 'but' on this occasion, is that the superdry jacket was purchased for a sum far in excess of two shiny English pounds sterling... so in the lining they will stay, until it drives me insane.

the gift card, which i received for christmas (i reckon) is a fancy pants mastercard vanilla gift card. 'ohh laa laa' i may hear you say... well hold your 'ohh's' and 'laa's' for a second! i tried to use it, it didn't work. i tried to register it, it didn't work because the stupid american website only catered for there needs and not those that they sell the product too anywhere else (typical). i tried to ring them up but it said it would cost me £2 per minute to ring... and i am NOT destroying a £100 jacket to pay for the £2 call to gain a £25 gift card... catch 22.

SO. i have been credited to the sum of £27 pounds this morning... but i can't use any of it. more importantly i can't smoke any of it... and my nicotine monkey is getting crankier than a midget with a yoyo!

isn't life brilliant. you have to laugh.

to my girl...

good morning my amazing girl :)

i am in two minds to send this as i know i always wake you up and i want you to sleep as much as possible. so i might delay it until later in the morning. or post it on my blog for you ;)

i just wanted to write and say thank you for making my life so incredible. thank you for being the burning fire inside my chest which warms my world. thank you for being the muse to my mind to inspire me to be me. thank you for showing me what my heart was for.

i love you Frankie. i know i try and try and try to explain the ways in which i love you. the depth, the passion, the desire... but today, those words just seem to fit, they seem to mean a lot more than they ever did previously. 'i love you Frankie'. one simple sentence, yet one i have been searching for my entire life. one that has evaded me up until now :) because of you and the incredible way you love me.

if you do only one thing today, i want it to be this...

think about how much you, Frankie, have changed my life.

think about the smile you give me that i could never have before you.

think about my heart and soul, which you complete. you found and made your own.

think about how happy you make me. every day. every minute.

on the days where you question who you are, consider the whole picture. consider all of who you are. no one else in the world could give me the love and the magical happiness you have. i have not been hiding down a dark hole until now... you are not the first female i have ever met. what does that tell you? that you are different, you are special, you are incredible.. and you are more than worthy to be loved by any boy whom you see fit to return those feelings to you. and i am the luckiest boy in the world to be able to do that...

I love you Frankie.

always and forever.

my opinion on the england v usa game

i have been reading through the majority of analysis from Saturdays game against the USA, and there is a common over judgement about the performance.

i just wanted to make one point that i think every single article (in particular the negative ones) has missed out when analysing the result...

The game between England and the USA was statistically the closest game of the whole group round of this world cup. England are ranked 8th in the world, with the USA ranked 14th. there is no other game in the group stage of this world cup that has two teams so closely ranked.

Therefore, can we accept that, irrelevant of the performance, a point from that game is acceptable. plus... with France dropping points, as well as Greece losing, i think we can say that we haven't produced a howler of a result.. just a howler of a performance for parts of the game.

i agree that Green has done very well by 'manning up' and accepting the error as something he needs to embrace. i think personally that we should stick with him and it will improve his character and performance.

i personally think we should always play Gerrard behind Rooney, as he would act in the same holding role as Heskey, yet be more productive in front of goal. with this formation, defenders would stick close to Gerrard outside the box, as no defender would want to give him 5 yards in which to get a shot off. this would hold the defense up outside the box giving Rooney more space and time to operate inside the box.

i also think (opinions are allowed i hope) that Joe Cole should have started. and should start this Friday also. not only do i think it would be great to have Cole, Lamps, Barry and Lennon in the same formation... but i think he is one of those 'lion heart' players who steps up to an evernt like the world cup, and inspires other members of the team.

the main point i want to make is that, although i have my opinions (as stated above), i am not an internationally acclaimed professional football manager who has spent every hour of every day with our squad for the last few weeks. i am a 23 year old boy who has his opinions on how the team should be arranged. regardless of the team that is selected, Mr Capello is in the best position to decide what to do, and as in cricket.. the umpires decision is final.

as a nation, let's get behind the 11 men who walk on to the pitch on Friday, whoever they may be, and cheer our boys into the finals.

Good luck England. let's bring it home

twilight.

i read the twilight books, well.. the second one. it pissed me off that the woman would always be going on and on about the hole in her chest. the pain of breathing. the hurt.

it pissed me off.

now it is my life.

i can't breathe. pretty much at all. breathing is over rated anyway. without her.

why the fuck am i even writing on this fucking thing!? she was the only one who read it before.. and she won't now.

why?

i wanted to know what my future would be... well now i do.

it involves a fuck load of regret. a fuck load of crying. a fuck load of emotional and physical pain... and not much will to continue in a world without her...

not knowing was better than this. not knowing was the best part of my life, because i had her.

can people run out of tears? i doubt it.

me.

i am such a fucking dick....

i make things worse. i say things wrong. i fuck up everything.

i can only get better, right?

i hope so... for her sake. she deserves so much more.

disguised monkey

If I had a monkey, I would borrow my mums sewing machine and make my monkey a little monkey suit. Then if anyone said "Thats not a real monkey, it's just a monkey suit, I can see the zipper", I could say "I bet you fifty dollars it is a real monkey" and when they said "that seems like a reasonable bet, you are on", my monkey would take off the monkey suit and they would have to pay me fifty dollars. I would buy drugs with the fifty dollars. For the monkey. So he wouldn't mind spending his life in a monkey suit.

Brilliant.

football interception

in an attempt to withdraw myself from the realm of addiction that is football manager, i took a shitty test to see 'what greek god you are'.

i, apparently, am Ares - The Greek God of War.

understandable.

what isn't understandable, is the description of Ares it gave... "...had some serious anger management problems"... WHAT THE FUCK?!? firstly.. he is the god of bloodlust, not war. secondly.. "some anger management problems" is a colossal understatement. Hermann Goring had anger management problems... Ares is the GOD of BLOODLUST.

pffft... idiots.

back to football manager...

the future..

I've just had the craziest week
Like a party bag of lies, booze and then deceit
And I don't know why I want to voice this out loud
It's therapeutic somehow

So I'm moving to New York

'Cos I've got problems with my sleep
And we're not the same and I will wear that on my sleeve
So I'm moving to New York
'Cos I've got issues with my sleep
Looks like Christmas came early
Christmas came early for me

I put one foot forward and ended up 30 yards back
Am I loosing touch or am I just completely off the track
And I don't know why I want to voice this out loud
It's therapeutic somehow

So I'm moving to New York
'Cos I've got problems with my sleep
And we're not the same and I will wear that on my sleeve
So I'm moving to New York
'Cos I've got issues with my sleep
Looks like Christmas came early
Christmas came early for me

me...?

Why am I so sure?

stay in, go out?

beer, cider?

hip hop, rock?

steak, Chinese?

film, xbox?

fact, fiction?

drive, ride?

the world, bed?

rest, play?

sleep, session?

stay, go?

dreams, comfort?

all the way, nothing?

i never know what i want. i don't.

i make a decision. i evaluate all my decisions. i regret more than most.

the grass is always greener.

it took me 18 months to quit a job i hated. just a few "you're in a good position" & "you're doing well for your age" 's can so easily cloud any judgement i had. can produce indecision. can create a decision. my heart and head agreed, yet i was still unsure.

i could be a pilot. fuck it, i could be top gun. i could. those words mean the world to me... i could. i can. but could i ever decide...? could i give up my freedom...? FUCK NO! it didn't feel right. it was always a backdoor. it was always an escape. it was always a contingency. it was always a "just in case".

then you.......

wherever you came from.........

you didn't just turn my world upside down, you did the same with my life. you turned me from down to up. from negative to positive. you turned me. you made me, me.

i am never sure of anything. never. ever.

yet there isn't a decision to be made here. i am going to NYC. i am going to get closer to my baby. more easily accessible. so that i can be there for her always. forever.

i don't have to think.

there is nothing to consider.

as soon as i can... i will be with her. i will be there. i will be by her side.... because she deserves that and so much more.

i know this is true. i know this is real. because, otherwise i wouldn't 'know'... i would just think. i don't think. i don't believe. i know. i know.

i am so sure, because 'her' is Frankie. MY Frankie. my everything. my world. my girl. my future.

i have never been so sure in all my life, she must be something far more than amazing....

i am forever hers......

Lonely.

I like being alone.

I am not a recluse. I am not unsociable. I just like being alone.

I like the freedom of roaming my dwellings wearing nought but my underwear. I like to ruthlessly scour through decades of forgotten music to rediscover lost gems. I like to get lost in pursuit of the most trivial achievements. I like to doodle. I like to be without thoughts. I like to watch the tide of time roll away. I like being alone.

But today... Today I'm lonely.

Today i am without the one person whom i wish to do everything with... the only person whom i feel comfortable doing nothing with. The one person who can always make me smile, who shares my hopes and dreams, who understands, who makes me whole.

Folklore suggests that when a soul descends to earth, it splits in two. Each half of the soul inhabiting a different body as a vessel, with neither being considered complete until the other is discovered...

I am complete.

She can contend.