pre-flight entertainment

Superted! Why is superted on in the airport?
I know it is early.. But, cartoons? 90's cartoons?
Suspicious? Sure.

Why did the owner throw away a super teddy bear? He showed them! Because little did they know that this bear was super!!
Wait, didn't he get sprinkled on my some tramp man? Which.. Retrospectively, wouldn't have happened if he wasn't discarded. So, in a way, the hardships of early life can formulate opportunities and orchestrate your character in later life. Has a thesis ever been written on superted? Hmmm.

Also...
I can understand the archetype of the young hero in the narrative story structure. I can understand the miser. The heroin, yeah. What I can't understand, is the archetype of the gay thing that always falls apart?! How did that enter our cultural consciousness??! Tex. C3PO. Erm.. I'm sure there are others.. But 2 is more than enough.. Surely?

Ridiculous carry on.
Flight time.

"We have before us the glorious opportunity to inject a new dimension of love into the veins of our civilization"

...too true.

blah blah blah

i miss Frankie...

i will be alone. for keeps.

...

i love it when tv shows subtitle mexican people speaking english. all the subtitles might as well be saying "i'm a fucking retard" instead of subtitling what they are saying.

I was brought to tears when i read the spoon theory – first by shame for not having understood when my girl first got diagnosed, and then in empathy for Frankie. While I’ve witnessed the pain of Lupus – and even helped nurse her during some of the painful moments – I have NO IDEA of the pain, discomfort, depression, sadness, et al that she feels every single day! I have seriously let her down, and all i can do is learn and understand and be what she needs. To be on her side, and fight in her corner when she cannot.

The Spoon Theory.

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.

we make plans. lupus laughs.

Definitely the life of a 20-something with Lupus

My day consisted of lying in bed, sleeping. I am happy that I was actually able to sleep. I woke up this morning and started to give my blood back. When my tubes were clear, I began to disconnect myself from the machine...but I didn't feel well. I thought perhaps I had miscalculated and taken off too much fluid. I looked at the numbers I had entered into my machine as well as my dialysis logs. They both looked fine. While still connected to my machine, I stood on my nearby scale. My weight was perfectly fine and I hadn't dried myself out. I resumed disconnecting myself and pulling my needles.

I didn't feel well. It had nothing to do with being too dry. My stomach hurt. My body hurt. I felt exhausted. After clotting my arm off, I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face, exactly as I would on any Saturday morning. I tried to force it. No matter how often up Lupies try to force ourselves to do something, it's important to realize that if Lupus isn't having it...trust me. Lupus is NOT having it. My body was weak, my stomach felt crampy. I had to listen to myself. No work for me today.

I often do NOT listen to my body. I think if I did, I'd never go anywhere. But sometimes, you just have to listen to your body. I had everything all planned for today. I was going to go to work during the day and be home by 4:30. I was going to study for a few hours as I have two tests next week, then leave my house at around 6:50pm. Today is my friend's birthday, and we were all invited out for dinner. It was a really cool looking restaurant - lots of healthy, organic food.

We make plans.

Lupus laughs.

Trentemoller - Miss You

3.45. no sleep.

I wish I could do better by you,

'cause that's what you deserve

You sacrifice so much of your life

In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams

Sailing around the world

Please know that I'm yours to keep

My beautiful girl

When you cry a piece of my heart dies

Knowing that I may have been the cause

If you were to leave

Fulfill someone else's dreams

I think I might totally be lost

You don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls

That's why I wrote this song to sing

My beautiful girl

Tom Petty says it best.. but Derek Sanders comes pretty close...

'And as this current moves slow for me

This much you must know we'll meet again

And I'll have you know I'm scared to death'

'Tell me once again

That you'll love me to the death

And should I die, you swear that you will come for me

As I fade away, you reach out your hand

(And please don't let me go)'

'And I'll be here by the ocean

Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams

All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes

And every waves drags me to sea

I could stand here for hours

Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"

With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question."

Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?'

'Another night she spends alone

Without his touch her skin's so cold'

'Call my name if you're afraid

I'm just a kiss away'

'I look back to the one and only summer time

And my girl was the envy of every friend of mine

She slept safely in my arms

We were so young and invincible'

'Her smile with the wind blowing through her hair

Was so contagious in the air

So satisfying and I'm still smiling

And you're still out of my reach

And you're still all of the things

That I want in my life'

'The first kiss stole the breath from my lips

Why did the last one tare us apart?'

'Baby, I sorely miss the vibrant gleam that's in your eyes

I'll write a song about it

And maybe if the melody's just right

I hope tonight it will find you

It will remind you'

...wow

just hearing her breathe makes me melt... i am more in love than anyone has ever been ever, FACT.

and what's more. i love it :)

she'll be home soon..

under a brighter moon.

raindrops tear us apart.. breath on my window pain, i S P E L L your name...

keep waiting without fading out, did we happen a day too soon?

just saying, if we wait it out.. we'll be under a brighter moon.

i can't wait.

i'm spelling your name, and i trace a kiss....

don't want to be a thorn in your side...

Betterman I am since I

Come into contact with you

And you taught so many things about myself

and you know this is true

but now we are apart and its all my fault

cos you know I need to be alone

Don't know myself

so how can I share me with you girl or anyone

Don't want to be a thorn in your side

good woman

Always be the one

to make you cry

Don't wanna be that guy

Good woman

cos you deserve everything

and I got nothing so leave me

and i'll go away better off I stay

Far from you,

because you are beautiful

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Now typical man

I am because you think

I want my cake and eat it too

Cos say I can't be in a relationship

but I still feel for you

Cos you are the best woman

This old man has ever met

You taught me about my soul

you shared with me your magic

Don't want to be a thorn in your side

good woman

Always be the one

to make you cry

Don't wanna be that guy

Good woman

cos you deserve everything

and I got nothing so leave me

and i'll go away better off I stay

Far from you,

because you are beautiful

Betterman I am since I

Come into contact with you

And you taught

so many things about myself

and you know this is true

but now we are apart and its all my fault

cos you know I need to be alone

Don't know myself

so how can I share me with you girl

or anyone

Cause you are...... my angel.

x 9 days till x

i am so fuming with the people i chose to call friends. they have been with me through the pain, the crying, the mood swings and everything.. but tonight.. tonight they were pure 'cee you enn tee's' as my girl would say... so cute'ly. i can understand them wanting me to socialise.. but they have always been so understanding, i dont know what happened to that tonight.

not only that... but i want to show the girl i love, the girl i WILL get to marry me, that i will be there... they took that away from me. i cooked.. i cleaned.. i even smiled and played nice, when i had my girl on sporadic words. and then they decided i didn't need to. i do need to. i need to show her how i feel because she doesn't believe it like she did. and actually fuck that! she doesn't need to believe it.. because it will always be there.. i will always be there. and tonight i couldn't do anything to stop the destruction of her trust in me :(

i feel so incredibly sad.. but that really doesn't matter. she feels alone... and that kills me.

i don't want to write anymore. i have let her down... and i could never make it up to her...

i do not deserve the girl the entire world wants. i don't care how big my friends are.. i should have hit them harder.

i hope my eyes show her what i can't :(

i miss my frankie so much. i am so lost without you buubuu.

let's disappear. i want our life. x

just the girl.

'cause she's bittersweet

She knocks me off of my feet

And I can't help myself

I don't want anyone else

She's a mystery

She's too much for me

But I keep comin' back for more

She's just the girl I'm lookin' for

You never know..

how much time you will get with the person who is most important to you. no one will ever know.

all i know, is that you should enjoy it when it is there...

i plan to.

mi manchi Frankie.

my funeral...

songs:

mayday parade - miserable at best.

envy on the coast - lapse

brand new - jesus christ

elliott smith - angeles

EVERYONE MUST WEAR PINK!

no pink, no drink!

pain.

i am waiting for the slow upload of some videos i want to send to the girl of my dreams... i figure it will be easier for her to rest if i bombard her with amazing mu-hooovies and programs and stuff for her to chill out to. and i didn't realise i had to open a new account to upload big files.. so it has taken a while.

why i am waiting i am taking the opportunity to RATE and SLATE a couple of things in my life right now.

i am RATING the flapjacks my sister made this morning.. they are the best flapjack i have ever tasted! and i am somewhat of a connoisseur in the realms of flapjack.. they used to do these ones at my old gym that had a whole layer of fruit on top.. like a paste or a pulp.. and they were good. but my word, these flapjacks took that gauntlet and smashed it against the restraints of ordinary flapjack production. i couldn't explain what made them so good... maybe she knows mister Kipling? i have no idea. all i do know is that i pinched a cheeky slice to eat whilst the kettle was boiling, and ended up eating half the batch. damn that's good flapjack. thinking about it, i want another one!

i am SLATING the condition my body is in after the last two days! my word i am in pain. ok.. i knew i hadn't done weights in a while and i would get the usual sore chest from benching.. expected, sure. and even the cardio work i did hasn't had much effect because i am fairly active when i'm not at the gym... cricket and running and stuff. but the BRUISES i have!!! oh my i look like a plum! i am purple all over. something about the last two nights and the two games of cricket i've played... that big, red, ROCK HARD ball seems to be gravitating to me and i am not all too pleased with it. i have a bruise on the inside of my knee.. oh that is from saturday actually.. when i was standing in the most ridiculous fielding position ever (right under the batsmans f'in nose!) and instead of jumping out the way when he hits it at you, i stopped it with my knee. idiot. then tuesday i played a bunch of fucking wankers.. i am not racist.. but when you get a group of young asian lads together, and when i say group i mean 'crew', they are the biggest bunch of cee you en tee's imaginable. and what's worse, they were shite!!! they only had even a slight chance of beating us (a team with only 4 actual cricketers, of which non could be fucked!) because they brought in two ringers, who we happen to know, and happen to be up in the league's top run scorers. in fairness to those guys, they got convinced to play because they were told we would put a full side out, and when they realised the few of us who were there couldn't be fucked.. they felt a bit bad.. especially as they were helping those OCEANS win. (ocean, get it? the SEA word.. C word.. ok, maybe not.. ) so their team got a fucking unreasonable score because of the 2 quiet white boys who actually play properly. and the rest of the team did fuck all except cheer every run that they scored and shout chav comments from the sidelines, including a lot of 'blud' and 'brap' 's.. do they know they are not black, and they live in rugby and not in compton.. i guess not. ANYWAY.. they thought they had won it easily when they got a score of 208 of 120 balls. to be fair.. the rest of the population would as well. so me and neegs rock up... and without being big headed, couldn't be bothered to put in the performance we are capable of because we are a little lazy and had just been driven mad by these flippin mother lickers. but then.. 2nd ball in.. one of the asian lads, who apparently thinks he can bowl quicker than the speed of sound, tried to take my head off and hit my shoulder. (ok, in fairness to him i did hit him in the head when i was bowling.. but only because he tried to give me some chat after he missed one, saying "you are too shit for me to bat to" and stuff like that.. so yeah, i pounded one down and hit him straight in that fat head of his, trotted down the wicket and said "you're right.. you can't hit it") but yeah.. he put the powers off piss into one to try and split my head open.. and he hit my shoulder.. then gave me some chat about something "blud" and blah blah kiss my teeth.. god knows. BRUISE NUMERO DOS! me and neegs then decided that we were going to shut those clowns up and show them how shit they actually were. took them to school. well actually, took them to BOOMTOWN. and more importantly, shut them up when we were on 98 off 48 balls. they were nervous. THEN.. mr Negus at the other end.. finding his timing and getting into it, drilled one absolutely sweetly.. straight into me at the other end. that hurt a LOT! bruise count up to 3. i then smashed one into my own foot.. bruise 4. and i had one of their dick head players try to intimidate me by throwing the ball at me.. which hit me on the bottom of the back.. bruise 5! and then.. last night.. one on the arm from diving to stop the ball. one on the chest from diving to save the ball.. one on my knee from hitting the wall when sliding and trying to save the ball... and one on my ankle when i stupidly stuck it out to stop the ball off my bowling.

total bruise count... 9. i am like the walking wounded. but i am a big boy... just slating not being able to lie down without laying on a bruise. stupid game this cricket malarky.

A Study in Pink

I managed to convince that stubborn mongrel of mine to go back to sleep. the doctors tell her to rest and she insists on having the loudest alert for any message i send her... one word for that kind of behavior: Brat. i love her so much. she is brilliant and so very cute.. but alas, she is finally back to sleep like she should be at 4am, and i am watching a bbc program to save myself from slipping into another day long daydream with a pillow replacement for the most amazing girl in the world, and memories to merge the gap between fantasy and reality. i like the fantasy part of my days better... her smile is there and her lips can be within inches, millimeters of mine. nothing between our lips.. god i dream of the day when there can be nothing between our lips.

to avoid the minutes until that moment i dream of taking hours to pass, and the hours taking days... i'm watching a program on the 'beeb' or the BBC to those of you not in the know. this program is utterly FANTASTIC. british broadcasting is generally very pony, incredibly amateur and distinctly average. therefore when something of actual substance rocks up on british teeeveee, it is a shock to the system... and definitely worth a watch. there are exceptions. shooting stars for example, is comedy genius and always will be. outnumbered is enthralling because of the comedic genius of a girl about 5 years old... and the mighty boosh, because it's the boosh! but... BUT.. i can't recall the last time there was a decent actual program on the box, like 'drama' or whatever bullshit genre they made up for it to fit into.. don't care for genres.

Anyhow.. Sherlock, this is brilliant. i think it may be a little brave to make a program about sherlock holmes so soon after the deep pocketed men in hollywood literally just had a bash at it, and pretty much got it cock on in my opinion. in the film i thought robert downey jr was awesome, and eccentric. but this.. this is damn good! it is set in modern London, which is pretty cool anyway.. and the Sherlock character is one funny chap. all sherlocks are clever beyond belief, but in this one everyone despises him because every time he shows up it means the police can't do their job. this bloke just tried to get snooty with him saying he was a freak and he didn't want his crime scene contaminated.. and sherlock RIPPED him and told him about the affair he had last night with the woman across the road... BAD ASS! i like this guy... i am going to keep watching. oh yeah, and dr watson is an army doctor who got injured in Iraq and has family issues.. i'm only 20 minutes in!!

i wonder if i can download it somehow and send it to my girl? she'd enjoy this...

sorry.. making my girl happy is more important than writing utter bollocks on here, cheerio all.

stealing souls.

i have always believed that if you are taking a picture of something, you are not enjoying the moment. i always laughed when people showed me pictures of holidays and things and thought 'yes, that is what you would have been enjoying if you weren't taking a picture of it'. the same could be said about people. if you are taking a picture of them, you are not enjoying their company at that moment.. and we all know moments are rare.. so every chance at a moment needs to be grabbed with both hands. held on to as tight as you can.

and then come the times that are without moments. without even chances of the moments you want.. and that is when you realise there could never be enough pictures of the person you love. that my girls beauty deserves to be immortal. that i wish to god i could kiss her...

oh god it feels like forever..

but no one ever tell you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head.

i can't wait. 28 days. that's 4 weeks today. fuck that's a long time. but i have more to worry about than the eternity that stretches between me and her.. i have much more to worry about than that.

i need to really start thinking. really truly considering how i am going to deal with actually seeing her in the circumstances our lives have put us in...

i act like nothing has changed when i think about that moment. i am used to those moments... the waiting and the countdown amalgamated to the desire, the lust, the love, the passion and the intensity... mixed together with missing her every second of every day. the moment when i see her, and everything becomes clear again.. when i could run up to her.. throw my arms around her and bury my head in her smell.. when the smile on her face would hit me like mike tyson.. when i knew she was just as happy to see me as i was her. to be able to kiss her.. like words were not enough at that moment.. nor could they ever be enough to describe even 1% of what i feel in that moment.

and here's where i begin to worry.

all i have are words. because this time, she doesn't feel the ay we did before.

how, without kissing her.. without holding her so close on the entire journey home.. without ripping her clothes off and making love to her.. how can i express what i can't describe. i am slightly scared.. more PETRIFIED actually.. that without the only ways i knew how to show her my feelings, i will be like a lost, confused little boy. i'll be like an englishmen in an emergency trying to explain to an afghan police officer.. the passion will be there, the urgency.. but the words? the words will definitely fail me.

i hope that she feels enough already to give us some time. i hope she feels comfortable enough to stay with me after the words fail me. i hope i can show her the comfort, safety and peace i used to give her when she was with me... even if i can't show her the love, passion and desire. the time with me she could spend to recover and rejuvenate.. she used to. i want her to leave feeling good. who am i kidding.. i don't want her to leave. but she must.. she is dominated by her head.. i just wish that when she does leave.. she wants to come back. and i hope with all i have that it is not too far away.

So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins, contaminating everything
We thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)

Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you, yeah

that girl..

makes me feel on top of the world!

why am i trying to write when she has made me so speechless!?!?

ABORT ABORT!!

i am in love with the most beautiful, incredible, brilliant and amazing girl to have ever existed.

she is my everything.

"Warrior Poet once said 'you're not dead yet, so live like you could be' Warrior Poet said 'have no regrets when you're old'

my body feels like it is cooking itself from the inside! i am so hot and it is starting to get on my nerves. i have no actual explanation for it.. and i doubt i need one. i just wish it would pack it in and get on with being normal. i'm used to being hot. the girl i used to cuddle up to said she loved me being warm.. as if i were a personal heater, just for her.

i can't seem to sleep very well when i'm actually melting.. it's bone.

even when i do sleep, my dreams are bitter sweet. i dream exclusively of her. it's nice.. i like being with her, even if it is only in my mind.. or in my dreams. every time i wake up i have the confusion of searching for her.. the realisation that although she is soft and very cuddly, there is a massive difference between her body and my pillow replacement to hold the empty gap between my arms from collapsing. then i get the feeling that i want to just sleep and sleep.. if i can be happier in my imagination than reality, then my imagination is where i want to be. she is always so sweet in my dreams. my mind and heart are fully accustomed to her ways and they narrate them over and over. i feel her feet rubbing against mine.. i feel her hand softly gliding down my chest whilst she sleeps.

is it wrong that when i dream, i dream of sleeping? that's not healthy, surely?

but it is the little things you miss when you love someone entirely. when your mind is consumed by another person, it is the things that only i would know that reply over and over in my head. the way she would wake me up just to look in my eyes, and then go straight back to sleep without saying anything. as if she knew how much i truly loved her falling asleep on me and how beautiful it is to have her at complete peace next to me. that is what i live for.. those moments. the moments when she is not in pain. the moment when she smiles at me. the moments when we are as one.

i am lucky enough to have already had these moments.. or a few of them.

29 days isn't too long. it feels like eternity, but it isn't that long.

i wonder how long i will get with her after the 29 day countdown has run it's course. an hour? more than possible. a day? maybe with some luck. more than that? i don't think i can expect her to do that for me. it doesn't matter... i live in moments. a moment with her is worth waiting forever for. i just hope i can keep adding moments to my memory.. and give her some to keep forever too.

moments.

i want more moments.

"And moments like this will bring you down.

Moments like this will bring you round.

Moments like this will make you strong.

Now that they're gone.

Now they're gone."

dog soldiers.

We are now up against live, hostile targets. So, if Little Red Riding Hood should show up with a bazooka and a bad attitude, I expect you to chin the bitch!

not just a girl.

why do people want a girl?

to have sex with..?

to have someone there when they get in from work..?

i don't 'need' a girl. i can live my life without anyone.. i could. i don't act like some boys.. like pretty much all boys. i don't need to have someone until i find the next prospect.. or slight improvement.. or next hole. i really don't.

i thought i would live my life alone, and i was happy to.

and then she came into my life.

this girl.. my girl.. wow. she turned everything, not upside down... but the right way up.

the way i feel for her could never be descried. and although i try and try to explain to her how much she means to me.. a blog is not worthy, when i could be using my lyrical efforts to describe it to her.. or at least keep trying.

she is truly the girl of my dreams. the girl from far beyond the reaches of my dreams.

i wish i could kiss her this second. i will have many moments in my life where i wish i could kiss her... but the moments when i do, are worth a lifetime of waiting.

i feel sorry for other people. i really do. because she is mine. and no one else in the world will ever know the love we have. the fairytale love that exists between us. the indescribable love and devotion she gives to the boy she wants to share her life with.. her soulmate. you people will never come close to this. you should envy me.. because this is it. this is truly it. what dreams are made of.

my girl. hopefully one day soon to be my fiance, again.

i could never be happier than the day i make Francis Locke Bell my wife. and i will wait until forever for that day. because it is worth a lot more than one lifetime.

i could talk and talk and talk.. but three little words say it all..

i love you, Frankie x

Spiderman 3

This movie doesn't make sense.

I can overlook the escaped convict falling into an open air particle accelerator, which as we all know are dotted around council estates worldwide. I can even get over the space slime stuff landing coincidently metres from Peter and jumping on his bike... What I cannot overlook is Mary Jane. What a fucking bitch. In the first movie she is letting the school bully do her, then she lets the rich guy, then Peter has a turn. In the second movie she goes through about eighteen different guys before abandoning her big expensive wedding after realising Peter is spiderman. In the third film I think she does about sixty guys and whinges a lot about peter saving lives instead of coming to the theatre to watch her crap acting. Why does he put up with her? It makes no sense and is the one glaring discrepancy in an otherwise completely scientifically believable movie.

Evolution Monkey.

If a woman had sex with a monkey, getting pregnant and giving birth, we would be able see what mans early ancestors really looked like and include actual photographs in scientific volumes dealing with Neanderthal man. Due to the mixing of species, it might not be possible to produce offspring or it might be more likely if a man had sex with a female monkey... but this would be much less fun to watch. Due to father/mother percentage variations we would probably need about 50 women to do it to get an average. We could put the babies on an island with hidden cameras and see if they invent the wheel and discover fire. Call it Monkey Island and sell series rights. Another bonus would be enough actors to produce footage that would make the opening scenes from '2001 A Space Odyssey' look like a primary school play. I would call mine Manky as it is a cross between man and monkey and I would teach him to love.

elephant mischief..

i just read something about elephants getting into trouble.

i found it hilarious.

it said that due to human encroachment on the animals habitat, these elephants somewhere were getting into confrontations with the locals in incidents like getting stuck in electric fences, drinking liquor, destroying homes and even killing people.

to me, destroying homes sounds like a social problem! "i am not going to talk to your father, he's out there kissing a drunk elephant! this marriage isn't working.. it's either him or me!!" ridiculous accusations to make against elephants.. but we all know i have strange thoughts and not a good grip on reality.

in this place, 239 people had been killed by elephants, whilst 265 elephants had been killed in retaliation.

it may be just me, but i wouldn't retaliate against an elephant. it's just an animal. it's not a cereal killer... although if it was, it would be the best there ever was at 239 kills! say an elephant, horror of horrors, stood on your scaletrix, ruined it forever. would you then say "that's it mate, you're dead!"? or would you think 'well, i shouldn't have been playing scaletrix in the jungle'. i didn't even enjoy scaletrix, because if you went to fast the car just came off the track! i would just undermine it.. "well done mate, ruined the scaletrix for everyone. tell you what.. how about i come round your house, see how you like it?" then he would feel bad.. and maybe make you a carrot cake to say sorry. there is no need to kill him, think of all the carrot cake you're missing out on. stupid people.

DAMN FLY!!

that little fly.. little bastard fly! grrr at you fly.

so, the scenario is, as like a lot of the time.. i'm sitting in bed, no lights, just the computer screen on.. clicking and clicking at the inbox button for my email account, waiting or hoping or wishing or all of the above, simultaneously (that's right.. men CAN multi-task.. just when the 3 things are exactly the same and just have slightly different words to describe them) for an email to appear from a certain incredible girl.. the same one that has my heart.. yeah, that's the one. the amazing one.. anyways. so there i was.. 'click, nothing yet. click, nothing yet.' when this pesky tiny little fly thing rolls up onto the screen.. giving it the big dog in town. by the way.. i have no idea if it was a fly or a bug or an insect. aren't all flying things flys? apart from birds, obvioulsy. and dinosaurs, but they probably wouldn't land on my computer screen. and fish.. and butterflies. ok.. so not all flying things are flies. fly's? who knows. but yeah, flying things that are smaller than your average fly.. they can be described as flies.. to all of us without a doctorate in 'flying things smaller than an M&M'. now, that is what you call a tangent. anyways. this hot shot little fly thing rolls onto my screen.. thinking he's 'all that and a satsuma' trying to distract me from my clicking.. and starts strutting his way across the screen. being the caring and humane individual that i can be.. i gave him the complete opportunity to walk away.. to access the situation and realise for himself that it would end in tears, and more than likely not mine.. unless the fly knows that kung fu stuff they have on jet li films where he can use someone's energy against them. that would have been bad.. 'what the hell happened to you?!' says my mum finding me bloody and beaten with my head smashed through a computer screen.. 'damn fly knew kung fu.. wasn't expecting that!' ANYWAY!! so he was testing his luck.. and subconsciously assuming he wasn't the jet li of the flying insect world, i went to flick him. my patience had worn thin. and the little bugger evaded me! and whats worse than evading my almighty death flick, he sought refuge in the safety of the underside of my screen! little git. i bet he was laughing.. and i couldn't let him have the last laugh.. so i ever so gently squashed the screen in to get the little bugger.

i will now admit that, with a dead fly permanently squished under my screen, and a trickle of what can only be described as 'bug juice' running underneath it, i am not the sharpest tool in the box. i am, in fact, an idiot.

what's worse is that the little bastard had the last laugh.. and will always be there as a reminder of how he defeated me.

maybe he was jet li... don't those marshall arts people in films always sacrifice themselves for the greater good? taught me a lesson to be fair...

LEARN TO FLICK BETTER!

dedicated to my mongrel...

She grew up in an Indiana town,
Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around.
But she grew up tall and she grew up right
With them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights.

Well, she moved down here at the age of eighteen.
She blew the boys away, was more than they'd seen.
I was introduced and we both started groovin'.
I said, "I dig you baby, but I got to keep movin' on.
Keep movin' on."

Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the flame.
I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again.

Well, I don't know, but I've been told,
You never slow down, you never grow old.
I'm tired of screwin' up, tired of going down,
Tired of myself, tired of this town.

Oh, my, my. Oh, hell, yes.
Honey, put on that party dress.
Buy me a drink, sing me a song.
Take me as I come 'cause I can't stay long.

Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the flame.
I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again.

There's pigeons down on Market Square.
She's standin' in her underwear,
Lookin' down from a hotel room.
Nightfall will be comin' soon.
 
Oh, my, my. Oh, hell, yes.
You got to put on that party dress.
It was too cold to cry when I woke up alone.
I hit my last number and walked to the road.

Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the flame.
I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again.

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

when i was young..

i used to play with fire a lot.

not in the metaphorical sence. "you're gunna get burned SON!"

No.

i used to get little toy cars. when i was really young. and when holding a matchbox was a magical feeling. exciting. doing a genie! oh yeah, them were the days... fill them full of tissue paper and soak it in surgical fluid.. light it, and then imagine it was just a car on fire.

i didn't imagine there was a showgirl in the boot.. or a family in the car.. i'm not that fucked up.. i just liked the idea of burning cars.. much like i assume evil knevil did when he was a nipper.. maybe.

things i like to shout:

"EAT YOUR FUDGE TREV!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING SITTING AT HOME NOT EATING ANY FUDGE?!"

"YOU DIRRRRRTY DEVIL"

"ENTHUSIASM.. LET'S HAVE A SPASM"

"I'VE GOT A MAN-GINA"

"oh... RIPPPPPPPPPPPPER!"

"GET INVOLVED"

"tits up big baz.. we're having it LARGE!"

making my sister laugh..

my sister still swears that this is the funniest thing she has ever heard...

i was in town with her, still drunk from the night before and feeling quite jolly.. as you do.

we went to the bank, and i had to use the 'podium' style thing to fill in a form. feeling very talkative, i turned round in one swift movement and said to my sister.. "i feel like Anne Witacombe on who wants to be a millionaire"

cue extensive and extremely loud laughter from her..

i then realised i meant Anne Robinson on the weakest link.

two epic fails in one swift, intoxicated movement.. bad times.

Nothing..

Nothing can compare,

to when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me

some idiotic quotes from me & my idiot friends...

"If there's one thing i find ruins my evening, it's having my arse electricuted"

"Also.. yis"

"sodomy is a sticky subject.. your gunna need to be a little bit more specific"

"I hate you so much it gives me energy! I have to wake up early just to hate you, as there isn't enough time in the day"

"probably not but definitely is!"

"My music tastes are deep........I own 4 Craig David albums!"

"She's fuckin' good at sex........mind you if I cooked a roast dinner every day of the year I'd probably be pretty good at that!"

"Why is it a pair of jeans? Its not a pair of jumpers is it? "I've jot a new pair of jeans".......no you havn't mate you've only got one!"

"Real skateboarding is rubbish........I could murder all those boys on Tony Hawk's!"

"I'd rather smell an arse than be cold!"

"I've had a shocker........I've just bought some salami sandwiches and some bits of salami.......and I don't like salami!"

"I don't like chamonix. Never been there..... just don't like it!"

"The rebels were like the Taliban......just look at Luke Skywalker- he lived in the middle of the desert in a cave. You dont get more Osama Bin Laden than that!"

(Ceila finnishing with Dunc and going out with Chris) "Thats like loosing 50 quid and finding a Fiver!"

"I don't believe in father christmas. Even when I was 4 I questioned the logistics. There's no way he could make it round that many houses in that amount of time. My paper round used to take me 3 hours and that was just Creaton"

NPH - "There is one thing I don't like eating- I'll give you a clue-It's black"

Dunc - "Is it a black man's cock?"

NPH "No..... I'd eat one of them!"

my life according to the audition

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.

Pick your Artist: The Audition

Are you a male or female?:
Running Man

Describe yourself:
Have Gun, Will Travel

How do you feel:
La Rivalita / You've Made Us Conscious

Describe where you currently live:
Heaven For the Weather

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Los Angeles

Your best friend?
Rep Your Clique

You and your best friends are:
Shady Business

What's the weather like:
Make It Rain

Favourite time of day:
What Gets You Through The Night

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Sign.Steal.Deliver

What is life to you:
Over My Head

Your relationship:
Love With A Motive

Your fear:
Smoke & Mirrors / Approach the Bench

What is the best advice you have to give:
Don't Be So Hard

Thought for the Day:
It's Too Late

How I would like to die:
Dance Halls Turn to Ghost Towns

My soul's present condition:
The Ultimate Cover Up

remember this feeling..

dear girl who changed my life,

no matter where you are, you will always be my angel.

no matter how long you leave, you will always have my heart.

my love for you will only ever get stronger.. my desire for you will only ever grow.. my utter astonishment of who you are, and how you exist will never cease. you taught me that there was something worth living for.. someone who understands me... someone who i can trust... someone who will love me with everything and not break my heart... someone who feels the connection i have to them... someone who knows i am theirs forever and is willing to embrace that. someone truly magical.. someone special.. someone created just for me.. not just someone, but my Frankie. you created feelings in me only you could understand. you allowed yourself in to my heart slowly and softly without me needing to put my guard up... you took my heart without any complaint, restraint or protest from me. you deserve it. i feel like it was always there waiting for you to collect it.. waiting for the girl who can make it feel alive.. make it feel loved and cherished.

i have waited for you Frankie. i truly thought what i needed a girl to be did not exist.. and then you proved me wrong.

i have waited for you.. and i know that there is only one of you... i cannot lose you now Francis. now that i know what it feels like to find true love.. to find my soul mate.. to find the person who makes me complete... i will never let this feeling go... i will never let my girl go. i can't. i love her.

i miss you Frankie. i miss the way your voice soothes my soul and warms my heart no matter how i am feeling. i miss the way your eyes pull me into a world of beauty in which i could lose hours and days. i miss your smile and it's power to make me truly happy... i miss your beauty hitting me like a punch in the face... always astonishing me as to how someone could ever be that beautiful. i miss the excitement of your skin touching mine. i miss our lips caressing softly together. i miss our fingers locking together. i miss reading your words.. getting long emails and things you have written... i never want us to write just sentences.. or just text messages.. our communication is too beautiful to me to lose it. i miss you Frankie. i miss you so much.

June. never before have i looked forward to a date so much. never before has a single date clouded over everything else post and prior.. never before have i wanted a day to be tomorrow, but to always be tomorrow. to never end. my sister asked me yesterday how many days it was until my birthday.. and instead of saying 10, i said 16. becuase that date and the time leading up to it is all that matters. your smile, your touch, your kiss... all these things will be reunited with your heart and my love. both of which wait, unaltered, for you. forever.

i love you Frankie.

i have no other way of explaining my love like you do... but i could never explain how i feel for you. there would be no feelings without you. my heart would wilt and perish... without you there is no hope or light.. only darkness and misery. i love you. i love you should be enough... but i can't help but feel that nothing i could ever say will ever be enough. nothing could ever do justice to the love i have for you. to my dedication to you forever. i am yours Frankie. my love is yours. my everything, is yours. forever.

i love you baby, i will never stop loving you.

but i need you to do what is right for you. i need you to be healthy in your mind and in your heart. i will never restrain you from doing what you feel comfortable with in your mind.. but please do what is right to keep your precious heart healthy for me. it belongs to me and i need you to take care of it for me.

i love you so much Frankie. i could never truly explain to you how much i love you. how much this feeling dominates over all others. how little the complications bother me.. how little impact they could have on my love.

we are forever Francis, as long as you always want that.

i love you buubuu... xxxxxxxxxxxx

MONEY

i love finding money.

today, so far, i have found 2 pound coins in the inner lining of my superdry jacket and a £25 gift card.

but. and there is always a but...

the two pound coins have somehow defied the laws of physics, and at the same time twisted my noodle, by getting into the lining of my jacket in the first place. there are no holes in the pockets, no ventilation zips, no holes at the bottom... so how did they get in there?! the main 'but' on this occasion, is that the superdry jacket was purchased for a sum far in excess of two shiny English pounds sterling... so in the lining they will stay, until it drives me insane.

the gift card, which i received for christmas (i reckon) is a fancy pants mastercard vanilla gift card. 'ohh laa laa' i may hear you say... well hold your 'ohh's' and 'laa's' for a second! i tried to use it, it didn't work. i tried to register it, it didn't work because the stupid american website only catered for there needs and not those that they sell the product too anywhere else (typical). i tried to ring them up but it said it would cost me £2 per minute to ring... and i am NOT destroying a £100 jacket to pay for the £2 call to gain a £25 gift card... catch 22.

SO. i have been credited to the sum of £27 pounds this morning... but i can't use any of it. more importantly i can't smoke any of it... and my nicotine monkey is getting crankier than a midget with a yoyo!

isn't life brilliant. you have to laugh.

to my girl...

good morning my amazing girl :)

i am in two minds to send this as i know i always wake you up and i want you to sleep as much as possible. so i might delay it until later in the morning. or post it on my blog for you ;)

i just wanted to write and say thank you for making my life so incredible. thank you for being the burning fire inside my chest which warms my world. thank you for being the muse to my mind to inspire me to be me. thank you for showing me what my heart was for.

i love you Frankie. i know i try and try and try to explain the ways in which i love you. the depth, the passion, the desire... but today, those words just seem to fit, they seem to mean a lot more than they ever did previously. 'i love you Frankie'. one simple sentence, yet one i have been searching for my entire life. one that has evaded me up until now :) because of you and the incredible way you love me.

if you do only one thing today, i want it to be this...

think about how much you, Frankie, have changed my life.

think about the smile you give me that i could never have before you.

think about my heart and soul, which you complete. you found and made your own.

think about how happy you make me. every day. every minute.

on the days where you question who you are, consider the whole picture. consider all of who you are. no one else in the world could give me the love and the magical happiness you have. i have not been hiding down a dark hole until now... you are not the first female i have ever met. what does that tell you? that you are different, you are special, you are incredible.. and you are more than worthy to be loved by any boy whom you see fit to return those feelings to you. and i am the luckiest boy in the world to be able to do that...

I love you Frankie.

always and forever.