but no one ever tell you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head.
i can't wait. 28 days. that's 4 weeks today. fuck that's a long time. but i have more to worry about than the eternity that stretches between me and her.. i have much more to worry about than that.
i need to really start thinking. really truly considering how i am going to deal with actually seeing her in the circumstances our lives have put us in...
i act like nothing has changed when i think about that moment. i am used to those moments... the waiting and the countdown amalgamated to the desire, the lust, the love, the passion and the intensity... mixed together with missing her every second of every day. the moment when i see her, and everything becomes clear again.. when i could run up to her.. throw my arms around her and bury my head in her smell.. when the smile on her face would hit me like mike tyson.. when i knew she was just as happy to see me as i was her. to be able to kiss her.. like words were not enough at that moment.. nor could they ever be enough to describe even 1% of what i feel in that moment.
and here's where i begin to worry.
all i have are words. because this time, she doesn't feel the ay we did before.
how, without kissing her.. without holding her so close on the entire journey home.. without ripping her clothes off and making love to her.. how can i express what i can't describe. i am slightly scared.. more PETRIFIED actually.. that without the only ways i knew how to show her my feelings, i will be like a lost, confused little boy. i'll be like an englishmen in an emergency trying to explain to an afghan police officer.. the passion will be there, the urgency.. but the words? the words will definitely fail me.
i hope that she feels enough already to give us some time. i hope she feels comfortable enough to stay with me after the words fail me. i hope i can show her the comfort, safety and peace i used to give her when she was with me... even if i can't show her the love, passion and desire. the time with me she could spend to recover and rejuvenate.. she used to. i want her to leave feeling good. who am i kidding.. i don't want her to leave. but she must.. she is dominated by her head.. i just wish that when she does leave.. she wants to come back. and i hope with all i have that it is not too far away.
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins, contaminating everything
We thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you, yeah
