my body feels like it is cooking itself from the inside! i am so hot and it is starting to get on my nerves. i have no actual explanation for it.. and i doubt i need one. i just wish it would pack it in and get on with being normal. i'm used to being hot. the girl i used to cuddle up to said she loved me being warm.. as if i were a personal heater, just for her.
i can't seem to sleep very well when i'm actually melting.. it's bone.
even when i do sleep, my dreams are bitter sweet. i dream exclusively of her. it's nice.. i like being with her, even if it is only in my mind.. or in my dreams. every time i wake up i have the confusion of searching for her.. the realisation that although she is soft and very cuddly, there is a massive difference between her body and my pillow replacement to hold the empty gap between my arms from collapsing. then i get the feeling that i want to just sleep and sleep.. if i can be happier in my imagination than reality, then my imagination is where i want to be. she is always so sweet in my dreams. my mind and heart are fully accustomed to her ways and they narrate them over and over. i feel her feet rubbing against mine.. i feel her hand softly gliding down my chest whilst she sleeps.
is it wrong that when i dream, i dream of sleeping? that's not healthy, surely?
but it is the little things you miss when you love someone entirely. when your mind is consumed by another person, it is the things that only i would know that reply over and over in my head. the way she would wake me up just to look in my eyes, and then go straight back to sleep without saying anything. as if she knew how much i truly loved her falling asleep on me and how beautiful it is to have her at complete peace next to me. that is what i live for.. those moments. the moments when she is not in pain. the moment when she smiles at me. the moments when we are as one.
i am lucky enough to have already had these moments.. or a few of them.
29 days isn't too long. it feels like eternity, but it isn't that long.
i wonder how long i will get with her after the 29 day countdown has run it's course. an hour? more than possible. a day? maybe with some luck. more than that? i don't think i can expect her to do that for me. it doesn't matter... i live in moments. a moment with her is worth waiting forever for. i just hope i can keep adding moments to my memory.. and give her some to keep forever too.
moments.
i want more moments.
"And moments like this will bring you down.
Moments like this will bring you round.
Moments like this will make you strong.
Now that they're gone.
Now they're gone."
